Category Archives: Children

Lessons My Father Taught Me

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I don’t talk with my dad a lot these days. He doesn’t talk much on the phone. Never did. And likely never will. In person, though, he’s a man of comedy and of intelligence and critical opinion. As a young man he esteemed to fly airplanes, but because he permanently injured an eye as a child, by necessity his life took another course becoming, rather, and chiefly, husband and dad.

In line with this, I was wondering what lessons my dad taught me that might be of value to other fathers with young children. While the Bible has become my primary guide, and the frame by which I view the world, what my own father taught me is a second or third reference point I yet still consider of immense help. So, without further ado, here are the most important lessons my father taught me. (Thanks, dad.)

Be Firm But Loving
My dad did his best. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Execution was also far more than admirable, especially considering a world that has a dearth of true masculine leadership. He grounded me for a year once, and made it stick (and yes I deserved it). But along with his rugged exterior, there is a very sensitive and kind side that unconditionally loves his wife and children in ways that seem more and more uncommon today. When my daughter was born, my father was among the first few people I called; and while we had not spoken in some time, his tone and words were most calming and knowing, sensitive and kind.

Be A Rugged Man
I went to school with a teacher who went to school with my dad, and that teacher told me a few vague stories of my dad’s manliness and machismo. Hey, that all plays very, very, well with me. My dad even shared some sage fighting advice with me after I was taken to court for a fist fight and not one morsel of the advice included not fighting, and none of it can be shared here for fear of being sued! Oh, and that fist fight that led to a court date? The judge through out the charge, calling the actions chivalrous. So, no, no real boys are truly hurt in the making of real men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating young boys fighting (if it can be avoided), because teaching a boy to be rugged can be accomplished through hard work assignments, digging up tree stumps, digging ditches or other such work that causes hand callouses, require grit, or can’t be solved by writing computer code or playing video games.

Be Tender When You Need To Be
I got myself into a lot of trouble as a teen and young adult. Frankly, and retrospectively, I can see I needed much more discipline. I left home at sixteen, and by twenty-one I was living without much food, no hydro, in a run down environment. I earned my way there. Those were the wages of my own youthful ignorance. One day, as I sat on a beat-up old couch, there was a knock at the door. It was my dad. He sat me down on the couch, and he put my hand in his, and proceeded to talk to me about making some changes, and that he wanted to give me a chance to come home and get back on track. We shed some tears. This was among the top three turning points in my life.

Dedicate Your Life To Your Family
My dad was always around when he wasn’t working and golfing. He did both regularly, and that is perfectly fine; if not great, in my opinion. The work was for family (and retirement) and the golf was to relax with some time away with my mom. So even when he was working at a hobby, he was working at it with my mom. I also remember spending many weekends cross-country skiing with my parents together; always together. Looking back now, that is pretty special, and something I took for granted.

Be A Man of Convictions
My dad was never shy about airing his opinions, and while I have not always shared the same ones, what I admire about my dad is his convictions. They are very strong, and he stands true to them. This is among the great qualities of a father, I think. This does not preclude saying sorry when wrong, or readily admitting error (which is a great trait all on its own), but when one thinks something is right, it seems reasonable to hold your ground until factually proven wrong. Nothing says washy-washy like folding like a deck chair at a hint of controversy or resistance.

Work Hard To Provide
When I was young my dad was often away from home working long hours. This continued well into his late thirties until he moved up in seniority. So, much of my young years involved observing that a dad will do what it takes to provide for his family. And my mother backed him up. She was proud of his work ethic and continually pointed me and my siblings to his strong work ethic. And while me and my siblings are quite different, among the unifying qualities I believe we all share is my dad’s strong work ethic, the quality of being willing to put in the work to make our families stable, and our children provided for.

A Father’s Guide To Childbirth

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Sorry, but nothing prepares you for the birth of your first child. It is going to be traumatic. It is one part elegance and another part violence. And don’t let your wife or another fine lady scold you with the hackneyed you got it easy stuff. I am sure most men would gladly switch spots with their wives and have their body painfully split in half and contorted, but God didn’t design it this way. For what can be so endearing and so elegant and so beautiful to a husband than his lovely bride giving birth to new life. It is supposed to make a man love his wife even more. Yes, men are people too, and even the toughest of us have feelings that birth will draw out in such dramatic and powerful ways.

So, since man cannot and never will be able to switch places, it should by no means diminish the kaleidoscope of feelings he has watching the phases of birth unfold. Frankly, I find a woeful lack of preparedness and pre-birth support for the husband. I’m not talking proportionate in time and preparation like the wife, which is needed and more than appropriate, but a little husband “this is what will happen to you” preparation seems more than missing and more than long overdue. So, here are a few things I personally think every man should have in mind before the big mad scrabble dash to the hospital or in-home birth.

Get The Big Picture
This is all about knowing what’s happening at a high level. Plenty of books are available to the husband and wife to learn about the major phases of childbirth. Plus any community programs, which I recommend taking something of careful choosing. Together, self study and community programs work well to provide a big picture overview of the phases. Knowledge is power, and if anything goes wrong, understanding the context is very important to your ability to make decisions as a couple. Understanding these phases are the first step toward a emotionally stable birth (if there are no snags). And if there are snags, preparation beforehand will provide some context for any decisions at hand.

Discuss Best Case And Worse Case Scenarios
While this is a little disconcerting, experience tells me it is important to talk with your wife about best and worst case scenarios, like c-section versus planned natural, low oxygen to the baby, any cutting, undelivered placenta, post-baby surgery, and a host of things you discover in your preparation. It is good to know where you both stand before the big day arrives. And, since childbirth is fluid and dramatic, changes can occur at a moments notice, you will have covered the baselines should something important need deciding. Tough choices for critical moments are not for discovering one-another’s basic wishes. They are moments to build on those basic wishes.

Prepare For The Trauma
Watching your wife give birth is traumatic. Even the most flawless of births require incredible amounts of effort from the wife. My wife and I have been told by more than a few people that a second child will be measurably easier in delivery than the first, and that is comforting. This post is for first time childbirth and how fathers can prepare themselves. Expect to be traumatized a little, or a lot, depending on what happens. After the birth of my daughter, I was unsure if I could stand having my wife go through all that again. That sounds incredibly selfish, but call me old fashioned. I love my wife and consider myself her closest protector and best friend. My boss remarked to me weeks after the birth that he tried to convey the sheer drama and trauma in childbirth. I didn’t get the half of it. The wife is in grinding pain and the baby is going through some wicked experiences itself. And you get the box seat, watching, hoping, wondering, praying, even crying.

Prepare For The Ecstasy
The moment my daughter began to cry I bawled like a baby. It was a spontaneous, joy-filled, euphoric moment made all the more poignant by the fact that the hard part of birth was over for my wife, or so we thought. There can be no point more transcendental and high-minded than the birth of a child.

Prepare For The Unexpected
After my wife delivered the baby, the placenta did not deliver. This was concerning, and a black moment of angst and dread. What does this mean? It was a moment made all the more dire by a doctor’s suggestion that delay could be fatal. Emotionally, it was like getting side-swiped by a car. My wife was stoic. It actually bolstered me to see her so serene and confident. I am used to being strong and confident and sure of things, but this caught me off-guard, unprepared. I suppose one cannot be too prepared for blind side events; but, nevertheless, try to be. As my wife was wheeled away, I was left to tend to my baby girl. We listened to a hymn (The Lord Is My Shepherd), prayed, and called a few close friends and family for support and prayers. An hour later my wife was back, refreshed, and all was calm and just as one expects things to be.

Be An Advocate For Your Wife
There is not enough space here to explain the number of mistakes I observed by professionals that do these things for a living. One trained midwife was beyond incompetent, and only the over-competence of a second midwife saved the day. More than once I not only had to ask for things but actually had to demand. When my wife and I agreed on something, I became her advocate, making sure she and the baby were receiving the care required. The lesson is don’t just expect others to do the right things at the right time. You may have to make some demands. And don’t be shy about doing it. Your wife and child are worth more to you than worrying about other people’s perceptions. See point 1.

In line with this, consider employing a doula. This is a person who will act as an advocate on your behalf, and someone likely with tens or hundreds of birth experiences to draw upon. We will be hiring one if another baby comes along.

Become A Servant At Home
Finally, most dads have plenty of time to help at home, and it is important to become the “go for this” and the “go for that” man about the house. If you have friends and family and a church or community support group, it is likely food will be coming your way. But don’t blindly rely on this. Prepare meals beforehand, and store them in the freezer. You’ll need 1 week of meals at a minimum. Any more is just plain gracious and helpful of others. Get ready to become the chief servant. And get ready to change some diapers. It’s all in the name of family and the name of love.

Things To Never Say But You Do

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There are certain things you should never say but you do. There is a children’s rhyme that tries to excuse uttering words that hurt others by suggesting that sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us. That is as wrong as it is wrong headed.

Words can hurt. And, yes, even if we make all the best apologies in the world, there will be residual damage, and perhaps grave damage to self esteem and body image. The child or teen may forgive but aspects of the damage will remain no matter how hard we try to bend it back into shape. Especially if we don’t change.

What then is the answer to never saying things but you do? In the wake of some mistakes myself, these are a few things I’ve had to look at myself. I hope you will find them at least partially helpful.

Empathy
Empathy is about identifying with the feelings or situation of another person. Once I was administered a personality test for a major company and I was shocked to score so highly in this area, and others have said I am empathetic, but I always feel so dissociated from the feelings of others, not on purpose but by personality. Empathy is something I’ve had to work hard at, and have a long way to go to be where my wife and child need me to be, but being sensitive to the need for empathy will guide actions towards others. Empathy is practicing the golden rule: Do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Love The Child, Hate The Behavior
My wife has taught me a great deal about this and helped me in moments of weakness. Many of us have grown up with name calling, even if it was by ignorance, or the personal weakness of a parent. Nevertheless, my wife lives by the axiom to correct the action, not the person. This is to mean that we don’t call the child negative terms, but only the action. Here, it is important to make a distinction between actions and the person, and not call the child an embarrassment, like I once did, saying YOU are an embarrassment. That should never be said.

Be Patient With Yourself Too
Yes, it is important to remember that just as it will take years to mold good habits in our children, it takes an equal and proportionate amount of time to change our learned habits. Perhaps even longer. The key is to recognize the need for changes and putting a plan into action. Don’t get dispirited when you fall back into bad habits, only resolve to try even harder. Your example in personal resolve will hearten your children and teach them you practice what you preach. They will appreciate that immeasurably; hypocrisy is parenting poison.